Here comes a personal post…
Since yesterday I’ve been functioning between a mess of anxiety attacks to being in a klonopin-induced haze just to get me through the day.
People will often flippantly use the word “crazy” to describe the way that they’re feeling, which kind of sucks at times like these when the only way I can really describe how I am feeling is… legitimately crazy.
Without going into too much personal details, I feel the need to share that I go through these episodes when I am triggered by particular types of inevitable life events that happen. The problem, as I have discussed with at least a few doctors, is that I HAVE to go through this to get stronger. I NEED to take these risks in life if I am ever going to be able to manage this trigger… because I can’t keep relying on increasing my medication or popping a klonopin or 2 every time my brain chemistry decides it can’t handle it.
I’m also very fortunate to have so many supportive people in my life who have encouraged me to take the time my body needs to calm down. Even I hold some personal stigma about my own mental illness and forget that this is really effecting me to the point I can barely function without breaking down every 15 minutes into tears or vomiting.
With that said, I’ve shared this video before, but I need to again because it is better than listening to any song about heartbreak out there, it can be read more abstractly then that:
For me, this isn’t about one particular individual I’ve been with, but a reflection of all of my experiences in dating and relationships with men in general. It reminds me of how strong I am now matter what and more importantly of my worth.
It’s comforting and I’ve been listening to it on repeat ever since.