One of the most important and hardest lessons I’ve ever learned in relationships is that if someone makes it clear in some way that they don’t care about you – after you’ve allowed yourself to be vulnerable and tell this person how you really feel – BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME.
Never hold on to hope or dwell on all of those moments you thought you had connected. Maybe it mattered then, maybe it didn’t – the point is that it doesn’t matter to them now.
Accepting this fact is the only thing that has ever helped me move on with my life, even after I had experienced my first and most devastating break-up. The crucial part was allowing myself to be honest, even if I knew the risk was straight out rejection.
It’s incredibly difficult, but necessary in knowing that I “did everything I could” so now I know for sure and I can let go and move on; no more wondering “what if” – that’s unhealthy and pointless.
After all, knowing your self worth also means knowing that you deserve better than someone who will always make you question whether or not your feelings are reciprocated. I’ve also been fortunate enough to be in relationships with people who never made me feel insecure, so taking comfort in knowing that healthy relationships DO EXIST keeps me realistic about who I could meet in the future.
Here comes a personal post…
Since yesterday I’ve been functioning between a mess of anxiety attacks to being in a klonopin-induced haze just to get me through the day.
People will often flippantly use the word “crazy” to describe the way that they’re feeling, which kind of sucks at times like these when the only way I can really describe how I am feeling is… legitimately crazy.
Without going into too much personal details, I feel the need to share that I go through these episodes when I am triggered by particular types of inevitable life events that happen. The problem, as I have discussed with at least a few doctors, is that I HAVE to go through this to get stronger. I NEED to take these risks in life if I am ever going to be able to manage this trigger… because I can’t keep relying on increasing my medication or popping a klonopin or 2 every time my brain chemistry decides it can’t handle it.
I’m also very fortunate to have so many supportive people in my life who have encouraged me to take the time my body needs to calm down. Even I hold some personal stigma about my own mental illness and forget that this is really effecting me to the point I can barely function without breaking down every 15 minutes into tears or vomiting.
With that said, I’ve shared this video before, but I need to again because it is better than listening to any song about heartbreak out there, it can be read more abstractly then that:
For me, this isn’t about one particular individual I’ve been with, but a reflection of all of my experiences in dating and relationships with men in general. It reminds me of how strong I am now matter what and more importantly of my worth.
It’s comforting and I’ve been listening to it on repeat ever since.
It’s amazing how long I accepted this as reality everywhere for us. It wasn’t until I moved to Toronto and came back for visits that I realized just how violent the attitudes are towards my community – in Winnipeg. It took me another year after I moved back to get use to the feeling of ‘walking on eggshells’ every time I entered a white-dominated space. Unless you’re a VISIBLY Indigenous person living in Winnipeg, you have no idea what our experiences are like.